if tl;dr -> i am a hypocritical emo talking shit.
I don't know, I really think life is a pointless mass of problems sometimes. Getting entangled in the problems is one thing but then we teenagers tend to observe the problems outwardly and moan about them existing. I remember spewing shit about this just a few posts ago. But then I'm just a gigantic hypocrite like all of us are. All of you as well. Everyone, in fact, is a gigantic hypocrite who's living for everyone else. Putting on faces no matter how ridiculous they might be; no one's really giving a shit about the fact that we're individuals any more. So as I was saying, hypocrisy, thus venting. Shit happens, eh.
I have no idea what's wrong with me this evening but I'm under a crushing load of depression that I can't get off my back. I'm not good at composing poems about the melancholies of life nor slitting my wrists. So all I can do is limited to pondering about it or talking to people about it. Then obviously there's music without which my head would explode. I'm not really inclined to ponder on things because I always get existential and risk internal hemorrhaging. It's not a really clever thing to do so I was venting to Shaun and shit. Hey Shaun you can skip a few paragraphs it's just a wordy version of what I was blabbering about on msn. It has certainly made me feel a little better so thank you.
As I've probably said before I don't really go to anyone for solutions to my problems. It's been part of my nature to make myself better since I can remember. My parents, though they have good intentions, are never really helpful at all. I'm not close to any other adult really and I'm of the opinion that I have at least as much intellect (and thus ability to solve problems) as the rest of you (i.e my friends). This doesn't imply that I'm intelligent as much as it does that the rest of you aren't. Facing it we are all teenagers who are not really equipped with groundbreaking experience or discretion yet. I at least have the added advantage of knowing who I am as opposed to the rest of you. The point of this brainvomit here is to point out that I'm not really in a position to do anything but self-remedy. At best I'm saying that I'm not asking for anything here as much as saying things.
I've (as much as anyone else at the least) struggled to see any point to the whole concept of leading a life. What I see when I look in the mirror is someone who's living two lives. One I'm living on the surface, what with the trying to get a good CAP and having fun with friends and video games and things. The second, which I've only come to realise fully recently and even then gradually, is something of a struggle (lol) that goes on below or above what's happening in real time. This aspect of my mind only ever surfaces (or plops down, depending on which preposition you liked more in the previous sentence) when I'm listening to music and/or lying on the bed thinking in the wee hours. It's not a cumulative thing with goals or tasks or anything but more of a constant burning desire to assign the other part with some sort of meaning. Why this doesn't work the other way I never quite understood, if it did I'd be rid of this existentialist bullshit. And bullshit it definitely is.
I've always also thought that life is a rather rosey bed of thorns. Either of the other views is just being stupid. If you've noticed there never really are moments where you are free from problems; just ones where you are too optimistic to let them pull your spirits down. Similarly life is never really devoid of happiness, it's actually us really not noticing the silver linings because the dark cloud looks so much more overwhelming. As far as this stupid analogy's gone it might as well go too far. Silver linings can't exist without dark clouds, and dark clouds don't exist without silver linings. Squeeze as much meaning as you can from that sentence (the slightly different grammar in either clause is deliberate) because that's all I can or will elaborate on this. It's not like our problems and fortunes are ever separate. And it's just that which makes me yearn for some sort of meaning in this complexity.
Pretty obviously the first thing anyone can think of would be religion. Religion tells you what work is, what play is, what position you should have sex in, and where you go when you die. They eliminate any chance of existential thinking, or so many believe. Truth be told I might even embrace a religion and dedicate my life to loving Jesus/Krishna/Allah/YHWH, if only I could. It's far beyond my reach now, not to be dreamt of. Maybe it's intellect or maybe it's stupidity, but what I know is that it's what I have. After atheism shakes you, slaps you in either cheek once, and gives you a kick in the butt religion really can't reel you back in. It's like playing with your old toys again. I have a huge collection of toy cars and racetracks which I collected when I was really young, and they're insanely fun to revisit once in a while. But they get really old in a few minutes at the most. It's something like that, I guess. I'm simply detached from religion and it's gone out of the question. I don't know if the meaning religion gives to your life blinds you or binds you or frees you or whatever, and I won't bother commenting (shitstorm and all that). I just feel that religion isn't the answer, or at least my answer. Life isn't an MCQ, after all. No right answer except your answer. And an answer is precisely what I lack.
Another thing I've noticed is how people's moods are either affected by your mood or your perception of them is. Crushing depression spreads like a disease and soon enough any smile you see is forced. You know those awkward sessions, where something just strikes everyone around you at the same time and some kind of emotion shift occurs. If you're good enough at seeing things you'll notice everything about your contemporaries' behaviour changing. Happiness, similarly, infiltrates even the thickest walls of mascara and we can all attest to the viral attributes of laughter. This kind of sheds no light and some light at the same time on the matter of 'the answer'. After you're done with your 'lolo 42' things you might want to think about how when things change it can either be change or a distortion in your perception. That silver lining-dark cloud thing distorts further and drifts further into irrelevance when considering the grand question.
I'm not really trying to be coherent or making sense of thoughts as much as saying things I want to say. Just a little intermission I'm throwing out there.
All of you know (probably) that I'm rather averse to humanity in general. I do have a few I admire and a few I pity and a few I love but otherwise it's pretty general indeed. Part of my reactions to life stem from the fate of the majority. School, workforce, retirement, death. The rich get richer, poor poorer, middle class middle class. In one word : mediocrity. Some get either pole of life though, and these are the more interesting ones. Nick Drake, for example (yes yes), was one of the most interesting souls who ever made music. I'm not going to talk about what his life was like but in any case all you need to know is that he was manically depressed, poor, unrecognised, obscure and commited suicide from all this in the early 70s. His stuff never sold until he became a posthumous musical hero. Unlucky as this might seem for him it reveals entire worlds of thought to us in the form of his last album, Pink Moon (incidentally I just bought this). It's a depressing spiral, though not without rays of hope between the line. It's something of an elaborate commentary on everything condensed into 30 minutes. The emotional grandeur he attains with naught but his voice and an acoustic guitar is unrivalled by the most technically advanced bands of today (see: Dream Theater). It's one of the most interesting albums I've ever heard, and definitely oozes brilliance and genius. A glimpse into his distant observations actually proves as a glimpse into our own minds. Listening to this album 3 times in a row was actually what made the crushing depression subside recently because I just had to think about so much. An unlucky soul's passed and many more definitely have without my notice. It just happens and it begs the question if posthumous appreciation is worth anything. He had just about the worst life but 30 years after his death he is a demigod in the eyes of many. Maybe this is a life well lived? It boggles the mind to think this but it does make sense from the "legacy's only thing left behind" point of view.
Then, obviously, there's the other gang who's incredibly lucky and yet incredibly appreciable. Sir David Attenborough definitely a part of this. The nature presenter in my eyes. You can tell he loves the lilies and the volcanoes and the ants and the lions. He's really lucky to be living his dream (there is no the dream) which is obviously to be connected to nature. His love is merged with his actual life and seperates from the abstract. His love, though, leads him to be a really excellent presenter and a notch above anyone else. This sort of fortune makes it hard to tell if this man really has problems (inseperable from fortune, remember?). But he does definitely have problems like everyone else, just that his (to us) seem to be definitely insignificant because of his luck. How do things like these get into the equation.
These two things might seem irrelevant with respect to each other but think about it. Isn't it really the same question? I'm not sure what I'm even talking about any more but I know I'm not any closer to the answer. I don't even think there is an apparent answer. Answer to what? I don't know the question, but it's something to do with why on earth we are on earth. It never gets any easier to figure out things but it does fade away to the back of our minds where we start focusing on our CAP and friendships again, till things bid us back into the infinite series of loops again.
But then if this is inevitable what on earth do I do till I die? This was a question I thought about, then I realised this was a far easier question to answer. Obviously, I enjoy life as much as humanly possible. Letting your problems take the foreground just fades your happinesses into obscurity while doing the opposite achieves the opposite. Logically having a good time is the best time you can have. How does all of this relate to my first paragraph?
People entangled in the web (i.e people I mentioned in that other post withreal problems), they don't have time to refer to the back of their mind to the existential half of their personality. They just do things to untangle themselves. The outward observer, of course I mean us, has all the luxury of wasting thought power on the existential recesses and perhaps our lack of intellect leads us to get depressed via this.
What is the relevance of this entire post? I don't know.
You can't explain life.
Neither can I.
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